I'm Tired

.....tired of being weak.  Tired of getting hurt.  Tired of feeling angry.  Tired of having nothing to give.  Tired of pain.  Tired of frustration.  Tired of exhasperation.  Tired of the way I can't be honest with you.  Tired of grasping for something that isn't there.  Tired of holding on to memories that never really existed.  Tired of holding on to events that didn't transpire.  Tired of you.  Tired of me.

I'm tired of being depressed.  I bitch about the same things every time I write on here.  Track me back a few years, and you'll see more Jesus, and the same amount of depressed.

Fuck it.  I don't need any of this anymore.

Time to grow up.

I went through my bank statements from last year and added up all the liquor store transactions, all the ATM transactions from bars and clubs and pubs, and any debit or mastercard transactions from such places....

And discovered that I spent roughly 32% of my income on alcohol.

Enough's enough.  Time to grow up.

=D

This is gonna be short and sweet, I think.

I just have to say, I dearly love my new job and feel ridiculously fortunate to have found it with the state the economy is in.  I get to pre-test people for eye exams, I get to do reception (booking appointments, taking calls, etc), I get to sell glasses, I get to receive contacts and glasses for stock and orders, I get to process a bunch of stuff through the computer.....

And the people I work with are grand.

 Hooray.

Newest song.

See if this works... lol.

We Are

So... I've been thinking.  I've been pulling out my hair trying to finish this piece of writing because it's something important to me, but I just can't find an ending.  I've been frustrated, I have [embarrassingly] cried over the stupid thing...  But I've come to the conclusion that it's just not meant to end yet, because I'm still torn between the two alternate endings in my own life.

I don't know what makes us not alone.  I'm not sure if I believe the same things I always did.  I know I still talk to God and I know I still struggle to keep up some form of relationship with Him, but all that does is isolate me from the people that I love.  They don't get it.  Then I go to church and I don't fit in there (Still... and look! According to the profile picture I'm "normal" now).  They don't understand how any self-respecting Christian could have an atheist as a best friend. 

What about my family?  They don't believe in or have any use for God.  What am I supposed to do, keep them at arm's length because they don't believe the same thing?!  I just don't get how people can have such a huge double-standard.  Of course you don't avoid your family because they're different.  You love them anyway, 'cause belief or no belief, they're still people and they still need to be loved.

Why can't my best friend be the same!?

So all that lovely tangent to say, I guess I don't fall into the "Christian" category anymore, but I don't fall into the "not Christian" category anymore either.  I'm in limbo, so this piece is too.

Welcome here

To a land of irony

Of homemade heartbreaks

Orchestrated with a wave of a hand

And dismissed in the same manner

We are the generation

That creates its own nightmares

And destroys its own dreams

Self esteem is decimated

Thanks to pictures in magazines

Beauty is cheapened by unattainable standards

Nature is drowning in plastic

We are the generation

That ruins our own future

By forgetting essential parts of our past

Truth is disregarded

And lies are what we cling to

To keep us from going under

In a sea of fallacy and apathy

We are the ones who prayed

To everything that couldn't answer us

That trusted in everything that fades

Money, power, beauty, ourselves

Holding on to fraying ropes

And screaming in deflating life rafts

Screaming to the empty sky

We are the singer, reaching

For the notes without the vocal range

We are the dancer

Trying to learn the right steps

On broken feet

We are the artist, trying to create

A masterpiece without a medium

We are lost, but we can be found

We are weak, but can be made strong

We are lonely, but we are loved

We are failures

Picked up, dusted off, and set back on the track

To try again

But this time, not alone